This week I am sharing with you a short case analysis. Names, occupations, places and events have been changed due to the privacy of personal rights and have been built keeping the original truth in mind. Love
Nur is a 36-year-old woman who stands on her own two feet, works for a travel company, has a beautiful smile and looks quite energetic. When Nur was 3 years old, his parents separated. They have almost severed ties with their father. Nur and her brother, who is 4 years younger than her, were raised by her mother. She is now 46 years old, divorced and has a child in a relationship with a man.
-Consultant: Welcome Nur
-Nur: We thought it was welcome
-Consultant: How can I help you, what brought you here?
-Nur: Actually I want to share my problem with my boyfriend and get your advice. I am very dissatisfied and am going to decide to leave. But on the other hand, I don’t know if I’m doing it right or wrong.
-Consultant: Tell me first why you are unhappy, what things make you unhappy.
-Noor: My boyfriend is someone who has been married and divorced before. He also has a 5 year old daughter. My boyfriend started living with his mother after the divorce. On weekends, I take your daughter and we usually spend time together. Naturally, we don’t have many specialties. She comes and stays with me during the week. But I don’t think he owns too much of me and his interest has waned.
-Consultant: How long have you been together?
-Noor: We’ve been together for about 3 years. But we have been dating for 7 years. We work in the same industry. I always know the duration and things of divorce. We were friends then. Then we started living together.
-Consultant: How exactly did your relationship start? Did you have any interest in each other before, or did your relationship start after your friend’s divorce?
-Nur: We were good friends, we had no interest in each other before. We used to program all the time with a group of friends. But after her divorce, we started programming alone. We went to see movies, we went to dinner, I went to them often, I met her mother. But then we were friends again. Then we are electrified. Then our partnership begins.
-Consultant: How long after the divorce process did this electrification start?
-Nur: I can say it started after 5-6 months.
-Consultant: How did you feel when your relationship started?
-Nur: I think I fell in love. I was glad. We’ve always been together, I loved it.
-Consultant: What was it like at first and how did it relate to you?
-Nur: Actually it was then as it is now. I would go to them again on the weekends. We were out on weekends, when he was with me.
-Consultant: How are you now?
-Nur: It’s the same now
-Consultant: So what has changed, you were happy then, why are you unhappy now? What makes you unhappy?
-Nur: Actually there is no specific incident. I think my expectations have changed.
-Consultant: What were your expectations at first?
-Nur: I am happy to spend time with him. I also like his interest in me. However I have not been in a relationship for a long time, since I am alone, so this reunion is good. I was excited.
-Consultant: What do you expect from your boyfriend and relationship now?
-Nur: I want him to be my boss, I think I want more attention than him.
-Consultant: What do you mean by ownership? What will he do to get you?
-Nur: I don’t know, for example, he doesn’t ask if I have money. Like, he picked me up on the bus the other day after the movie, I was going home and he was going. His own home. I didn’t even top my card. He could ask if there was any money in his card. Or he may ask if I take my medication when I’m sick. But I don’t see much interest.
-Consultant: Well, have you tried to express yourself to your boyfriend, have you shared what you told me?
-Nur: Yes, I did. “I can jump in sometimes, if you need anything, let me know,” he said.
-Consultant: Well, have you ever tried?
-Nur: Yes, if necessary I asked for money once or twice, he gave.
Counselor: Nur, how old are you?
-Consultant: You were a woman who lived alone until you were together 3 years ago, didn’t you?
-Noor: … yes
-Consultant: Can you tell me about your parents?
-Noor: My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. I haven’t seen my father since then. My mother raised us. My father did not pay attention to us.
– Counselor: Why did they get divorced?
-Nur: My father was with another woman. When my mother found out about it, they got divorced. My father later married that woman. He didn’t pay much attention to us. My mother raised us. We were with my grandmother for many days.
-Consultant: I see that you do not have a warm relationship with your father and can not establish a strong bond. Am i wrong
-Nur: No, don’t make a mistake. My dad is almost non-existent in my life. But what does this have to do with our subject?
-Consultant: You could not establish a close bond with your father. A father is very important to a daughter. Father trust, he leaned against the hard wall. But unfortunately, your childhood lacked this faith. And the attention that your dad couldn’t give you as a child came to you at the age of 35. Now tell me, is this sadness the disease of your inner child or the disease of 35 year old Noor? Are these interests and expectations of the child, or the adult light?
-Light 6. Silence
I just saw him drowning in thought. She stared at my eyes in amazement for a long time with her deep blue eyes. There are many clients with similar problems nowadays. Unfortunately, with the increase in divorce, this is happening to children. Parents are not interested in children, and children who are left without affection try to live with a very deep emptiness. Looking for love they could not find their father among their older lovers, young people who did not find maternal love and insecure attachment could not set foot in a healthy relationship for fear of their abandonment, or boys who were extra present and caressed, glorious like kings, dissatisfied Because they do not find the same attention among their partners. Raising children is a great art. Each cell is an art of embroidering loop by loop.
-NUR: … I never thought of it that way. Yes, you are right. My father never noticed us. When I started school, he didn’t ask me if I needed money or anything. He did not come when we were sick. Sometimes he didn’t even call for a few months. We didn’t see any love or attention or anything from my dad. Does it really have anything to do with what I’m feeling right now?
-Consultant: It is the biggest source of your illness. First, you are with a person who is 10 years older than you. Maybe you thought you got the love and attention in this person that you didn’t find in your father. You start blaming your boyfriend for what can be expected of a father rather than a boyfriend. You felt unhappy when you didn’t see it from your boyfriend, you didn’t see it from your father, you thought you didn’t own it. Evaluate your relationship from this perspective. Put your expectations on a reasonable basis.
-Nur: You are right. When I look at it from this point of view, all the problems have disappeared from my view. My illness is ridiculous
-Consultant: These feelings can bother you from time to time, Nur. The important thing is to live with awareness. Your father’s emptiness is still there, not gone. But you are aware of it now. These gaps can occur at many stages in your life. If you wish, we can work on the emptiness created by your father in a different session.
-Noor: All right, I’m making an appointment again. Thanks. At this moment a veil is removed from my eyes. I think knowledge has come. Thank you very much
-Consultant: What do you mean? Take care of yourself
Nur did not take any more appointments. But he was very happy when he left. She even hugged my neck and cried happily. I hope he maintains his happiness later. One of my greatest joys is to touch the little things in people’s lives, to show them what they can’t see, and then to see those bright sparkles in their eyes. I hope we can reach out to more people and enlighten more people. If we had lifted the veil in front of their eyes and people could see more clearly. People should think twice before having a baby. When children are born and educated, it is not to save the marriage, it is to benefit the society and humanity in the true sense. If they grew up in an environment of love, not fighting …