Nurhayat Varol – If You Miss Your Life More Than Your Life… ..

Have you been separated from your loved ones for a long time? Thinking about them, do tears fall silently from the eyes in anxious anxiety? Did your eyes get wet from what you missed before seeing that beauty while walking in the most beautiful place of nature? Have you ever noticed that when you watch a program on television that you are most interested in, you get rid of that subject and revive your memories with what you missed and realize that the program you are watching ends without realizing it? ? Even though you were conversing with a friend in a friendly environment with whom you were very happy to be there before, did you feel that after a while you became detached from the environment and with those whom you missed physically and spiritually? Have you ever dreamed of your loved ones and missed every corner of your home? Have you ever heard the words of those who miss your home in the silence of the night? Have you revived your memories for a minute by looking at the seats your loved ones and miss are mostly sitting at home? Have you felt the memories left behind with those you missed across the city living together while you were walking there? Do you live with the memories you left with your loved ones, sometimes with a bitter smile, sometimes with a heartache, sometimes with hope, sometimes with anticipation? Did you spread all their pictures in your house? Did your eyes fill with tears and your voice tremble when you mentioned the names of those you missed? Life is too short anyway, have you ever thought of staying so far away with your loved ones in this short life? Have you had a sad birthday, wedding anniversary, etc. Special day when your loved one is away? Have you ever sniffed the clothes left by your family members who inadvertently hit your nose and digest their scent?

These questions, these feelings were my experiences that first came to my mind. Words are not enough to express feelings and sometimes it can vary from person to person. Separation and aspirations have influenced me a lot since my childhood. No matter who I witness in the farewell scene, my eyes fill with tears. I am fascinated by the farewell moments at the wedding, the airport, the terminal. When I was younger, we lived in Adiyaman for a few years because of my father’s responsibilities. On holidays we would go to Elazig with my mother and brother. My father used to drive us. Every departure was like a nightmare to me.

I finished my high school education in Diyarbakir. Although I often came to Elazig, we brothers cried emotionally every time we went.

One year after our marriage, my beloved wife Asaph Varol went to Germany to study for her doctorate, and the aspirations began again. Communication was harder and more limited than it is today. A few months later, I went to see my wife. I am 23 years old. This is my first time abroad. It seemed that when I went abroad, I would not see anyone when I returned. I was so happy to go to my wife, I missed her, but still had my loved ones whom I kept. There was aspiration. After a while, people got used to it. We return home after my husband’s work.

Years passed and my wife moved to America. 1990 was again a time when accessibility and communication were difficult and expensive as well as difficult. Everyone around me knew my tears when I said goodbye to her, and then my tears when my wife’s name was mentioned. My youngest son was 5 years old, especially watching his father through the window in the evening, waking up at night in a deep sleep because he knows the time difference in America, waiting to call our father, seeing his brother only 3 years older than him, embracing him in patriarchal love. While I was wondering how this situation would go in 9 months, my wife confirmed that she had gone to me and our kids a few months later. This time it was easier for me to leave Turkey. Even though I went abroad, I knew the days were numbered, and most importantly, I was enjoying the peace of my family under one roof. My wife and my children had lost their longing for their father.

After 9 months, we returned to our home in Elazig. This time I was going to England for education. In 1992, my eldest son Sihan was 10 years old and my youngest son Serkan was 7 years old. Leaving them was out of the question for me. I even thought of not going to England if it was not possible for them to come. When I went to America after my wife’s grief and longing, this time I said, “Is it difficult to go? Is it hard to stay? “I couldn’t answer your question. Again in support of my wife, shortly after I left, my child and my father moved to England. They came, but again, we were not all together as a family. My wife was in Turkey. “Our kids were young. His craving for daddy was growing. I was making weekend shows to meet his father’s needs. One of their greatest joys was playing football with his daddy. I would go to the park, I would be the goalkeeper and they would play happily. No matter how hard I tried to distract them, they were counting the days, drawing the date on the calendar every day and approaching the date of their father’s arrival. No. When my wife came to England in the following months, the dream ended and we were able to stay together for 2 months as a family.

The years passed quickly. Our kids have grown up. They went to America for education. This time the role has changed, they are gone, the rest are parents. Their departure has become a milestone in my health. I could feel my bones craving, although in the early years I tried to keep myself from crying out of excitement and longing while talking on the phone, I couldn’t stop my voice from shaking.

From time to time, my wife’s long stay in the United States, and I can’t go most of the time because of my work, this desire grows even more.

Sometimes I think, what drives me out emotionally, what effect does it have? The first answer that comes to my mind is longing, longing. These ideas have now become inevitable for me. I am aware that staying away from my children and my wife from time to time has damaged my life.

Have you left the clothes of your children who have left home and the last clothes of your wife, without washing them? Have you ever smelled your loved ones with their scent? Have you been crying for months for a jacket hanging in the closet? When writing your feelings, did you cry because you revived the memories in the vessel of time?

I thank God I have the voice of my loved one on the other end of the phone.

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